Hearing Your Voice Again

It was a perfect afternoon.

My restless mind had been in slumber only to be awaken by a phone call. My heart palpitated when I saw the name of the person calling on the screen of my phone. I answered with a curious hello and there he was answering back.

His deep sweet voice lingered through my ears as his voice waltz it's way into my psyche, registering his name in my brain cells. It was him, he called me.

It has been a while. I missed his voice, his face, him. I missed him. No matter how I try to deny my feelings, and hide my emotions, it still shows. He brings a smile to my face everytime I hear his voice. I was glad he called, hmm, I was ecstatic. It was heaven hearing his voice.

But I know it was just a short while, he just needed to be reassured that I am still here in case he needed me. I maybe wallowing in self-pity thinking that he is just using me or he is just making his presence known because he needs something from me.

I hope I am wrong but I'd rather think it that way than think that there is more into this relationship than what we have now. He is with someone and I am with someone as well.  I don't want to get confused and yet I have this strong desire to be with him.

I don't know. So I guess I better think that it was just one of those calls that meant nothing. I am nothing to him, my presence doesn't give meaning to his life. It is better to think of it that way, than having a hopeful feeling that there is more into our relationship, that we can be more than friends.

I'd rather extinguish that hope now before it gets deeper. I must kill that feeling before it's too late.

SAM

One Night Changed It All

I was so contented from loving you from a far, admiring you from a distance. I was so contented. 

Now it breaks my heart everytime I think of you. It weakens my spirit and my thoughts is swallowed by regrets and despair. I keep asking myself if it was right to have said NO.

I know you will just use me for that one night but it was the moment I have long been waiting for, the moment to be with you, to feel your arms wrapped around my body, to feel your soft lips touching mine. My rational mind knows what is right and that moment was not the time, though my emotional mind kept insisting it was perfect, the moment being with you was perfect. And I let my rational mind win, because it was the right thing to do. I have let my heart wallow in despair and regret for letting that moment pass.

I have hated myself since it happened. I always ask myself if I did made the right choice. Was I right in saying NO? You have given me the possibility of being with you and you took it away so quickly. Everything changed, you have changed and I have changed eversince. Months passed and my confusion and pain has grown deeper. My rational mind has chosen yet my feelings evade me, it still longs for you. 

I know there is a reason for everything and I need a reason why we can’t be together, I need to understand why. Or probably I just need to let myself accept the truth that you will never want me and can never feel the same feelings I have for you. I need to accept it.. I need to accept and move on with my life. 

SAM

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