Broken pieces of my Soul

How did I let this happen to myself again?  Getting my emotions involved with the wrong person.

I was so contented with my loneliness and not longed for someone to be with me.  I was alone, lonely but contented.

Then he came along, made me feel important and made me realize how important it is to have someone beside you, someone who cares for you and someone who makes you feel valued.

All of sudden situation changed and everything fell apart. He does not want me, he likes someone else.  I have set the rules of the game of not having any expectations.  Then I lost when I started to expect more, to want more of him.  I lost the game of love.

So here I am picking up the broken pieces of my soul. Hurt. Untrusting. Doubtful.  Issues that I have experienced and resolved yet experienced again and again and again.

Different relationships that always ended in failure and misery. Each failed relationship I loose a bit of my soul.

Will I ever find true love?  One that I will last for until my last dying breath.

SAM

My Third Home - New Country, Is It?

New country.  New environment.  New people to live with and share your life.

Was it worth it?  Leaving my comfort zone to an unknown territory.  I have always been adventurous and I always thought of myself as an explorer.  I like being in new places, learning culture, meeting new people and finding out what makes them tick, getting to know their motivation.

How long ago when I first left my country?  5 and half years ago.  And now a year in the second country.

My life is like a roller coaster of experiences, so much ups and downs.  Sometimes I want to be high and forget about the world, to be numb so I would not have to care.

I am in a new country but I keep committing the same mistakes in relationships.  Why can't I get it right?  What is wrong with me?  Why can't I be normal like the rest of the world?

So hard being bipolar and people cannot understand why you react in a certain way.

I do care what people say about me even I keep telling others that I don't care.  What others think of me, affects me.  It eats up my soul to the point that I get suffocated in my own thoughts and paranoia.

I cannot help feeling sorry about myself.  Wish it was easy like counting 1 - 5 with your eyes closed and when you open them things will get better.  The world will be happy, I will be happy.

I know I can survive this country, I can surpass the challenges, the negative experiences.   But until when will I be patient with myself?

I really don't know.  Just need to live one day at time until I get better.

SAM

Surviving

I survived another hurdle. I found a job but not the one that I really want to do. 

Again, I am confused of what I want to do with my life. Or maybe I really know what I want to do with my life but I just don't have the courage to do it.  What I want I really want to do with my life will not make me financially stable and I am more frightened not have instability in my life than doing the one thing I am passionate about. 

I wish I can win 1,000,000.00 then work on a job that I really care about and become a philantropist.  New age thinking says if you think and focus on it, you can attract the universe and it can happen.  So why not try it and see what happens. 

Sometimes, I want to do something stupid with my life. Go to another new country that I have not been to and find work there.  I have lived in my secondary home for 5 years now and I just feel it its time to move on to the next journey. 

I want to explore, study again and share all my experiences when I go back home to my origin country.  But I hope I can live long enough to do that. 

I feel like I have wasted 20 years of my life trying to find financial security and getting stuck with a job that I really don't enjoy. I hope I can find people who have similar views like me and was able to move beyond their fears. 

I need to find direction. 

SAM

I am scared. 

I want to find a job but there is not even one phone call from the prospective employers I have submitted my resumes to. 

I am starting to doubt my abilities. I am starting to panic. Maybe because I have placed too much confidence in myself that I will find a job and those buried insecurities in my psyche is slowly creeping out. My fear of I don't know what is holding me back.  Is it my EGO, getting fired seemed to have taken a toll on me. I was not prepared. But hey who gets prepared when they get fired.

What the hell am I going to do with my life now? 

I know other people may be in a much darker place compared to my life.  But this is what I am feeling now.  I feel that this is a situation I don't know how to handle at the moment.

I wish I can just easily understand and fix whatever it is that I am feeling but I don't know how.... 

I don't know what do and I cannot seem to get myself to move forward.  What am I going to do now?


SAM 

Taken Away

I got fired from my job.

When I was told I was being let go, I was not sure what to feel at that time.  I did not want to cry but I needed to burst into tears.  It was too painful. Maybe because I had given my time and energy to my work at the point that I can no longer handle it. 

I was so exhausted and did not take good care of myself. Hoping that people at work will understand.  But I was wrong, when you are no longer capable of doing the things you were previously good at, you will need to be let go.  That is business and my boss is a businessman.  I cannot blame him for the decision, it was all me.  I just hoped that he had talked to me, sat down with me and discussed what was happening with me.  He was my immediate superior and running a team for the first time was not easy. Half of the time I did not know what I was doing. 

I trusted colleagues and may be it was wrong move. I was the team leader, I should have known what to do, I should not have shown weakness. But I don't know what I was doing. I had no one to guide me or direct me.  I was learning at my own pace. 

I wanted to have someone who can guide me, I thought my boss was the one. I was wrong. I accepted the position and I learned a lot from it. But I still needed someone who will be able to direct me, to meet with me once in a while, inform me what was I doing wrong but I guess my boss just wanted someone to be there and know what they are doing. He doesn't need a staff who he still need to coach and supervise.  He need someone who can run at their own pace. Oh well, I guess it was not me then.

I was told I was being replaced because they wanted to have a team leader to be physically present at the office. I thought oh well, they may have someone who has more experience and may be the one who can really lead the team.  Then I found out that they hired a previous colleague who has less experience in the industry and leading a team. 

I was devastated.  I began second-guessing my abilities. 

It was the same time, I joined a group trying to learn new skills about arts.  I thought, maybe I will be good at this, maybe this is where I can thrive.  I had always been artistic, and creative, so I thought maybe this is something that I can be great at. 

Then came the commencement exercises and I did not get any award, most of the people in the class got some awards but I had nothing. I did not expect to be at the top honor rolls but I was hoping that I would be able to get a certificate at least for effort. I mean, it was my first time to do it and the project I submitted seems decent and I have poured out my time and energy into it. Then again, no praises. 

I am starting to feel sorry for myself. I feel I have no direction. I wanted to pursue that career in arts but now I question myself if I can even be really good at it. I feel so confused. I have no job, my finances is starting to deplete and I don't even excel in one thing I am passionate about. 

I don't know what to do now.  I always tell myself that I won't be swayed by other people's opinions.  I had a good job with a very good title.  Then it was gone. One thing I was passionate about, does not seem to like me at all. Maybe I am a loser, that is how society thinks about jobless, worthless and untalented people.  L.O.S.E.R.....

Aside from all these situation, my health seems to fail as well. The single ovary I have is sick and seemingly, it's preventing me from having a child. I can't even produce offsprings. Life totally sucks now. 

I know I have more blessings than my setbacks. I have a supportive partner, my parents health are well. I am still breathing. 

But I cannot shake off the insecurities, the self doubts. I just feel like I am in a dark place at the moment. I just want to cry but I can't even seem to pour my heart out. 

I don't know what to do. I don't know where to start... to start motivating myself.  I have no focus and I am unsure how to do it at this time. 

I hope I can see the light at the edge of this long dark tunnel. I pray I can find comfort in the most unexpected situations.  

I just want to get myself on track and hope I can do that soon. 

SAM

Confused

Just when I am ready to let go and surrendered my feelings for him to God Almighty, there he was making his entrance again into my heart. Making me confused.

I have decided to get married this year to my present partner. In my mind, I have made the decision to commit and bind myself to the person I am with now. But my heart tells me otherwise, it is deceived by his presence.

Am I being tested? Why should there still be tests? I cannot understand my emotions at this time, it's creating havoc in my psyche.  I don't know what to think or feel. I just feel paralyzed by this feeling.

I am again confused.

SAM

Hearing Your Voice Again

It was a perfect afternoon.

My restless mind had been in slumber only to be awaken by a phone call. My heart palpitated when I saw the name of the person calling on the screen of my phone. I answered with a curious hello and there he was answering back.

His deep sweet voice lingered through my ears as his voice waltz it's way into my psyche, registering his name in my brain cells. It was him, he called me.

It has been a while. I missed his voice, his face, him. I missed him. No matter how I try to deny my feelings, and hide my emotions, it still shows. He brings a smile to my face everytime I hear his voice. I was glad he called, hmm, I was ecstatic. It was heaven hearing his voice.

But I know it was just a short while, he just needed to be reassured that I am still here in case he needed me. I maybe wallowing in self-pity thinking that he is just using me or he is just making his presence known because he needs something from me.

I hope I am wrong but I'd rather think it that way than think that there is more into this relationship than what we have now. He is with someone and I am with someone as well.  I don't want to get confused and yet I have this strong desire to be with him.

I don't know. So I guess I better think that it was just one of those calls that meant nothing. I am nothing to him, my presence doesn't give meaning to his life. It is better to think of it that way, than having a hopeful feeling that there is more into our relationship, that we can be more than friends.

I'd rather extinguish that hope now before it gets deeper. I must kill that feeling before it's too late.

SAM