Getting Her Back

Confused... 

For so many months, I have endured this pain, frustration, confusion, despair and pity. Powerful emotions that eat up your soul bit by bit until you just feel numbness. 

I wonder where myself had gone to after that night. I was not myself anymore. Hoping for fulfillment on a hopeless scenario. I was like a strayed kitten, lost in a jungle of tigers and lions. I made a fool of myself, wasted my energy and tears to a person who is so unworthy. I thought I needed him to make things right, to help me find my direction. I let myself be drowned by my desire for him that I lost all sense of reality. 

I want her back, I want my old self back. I can’t seem to find her for so many months now. I am in limbo, I feel so lost. Drowning myself in despair and confusion. Am I nut case?, I ask myself many, many times.  Everything seems unclear lately, no direction, no purpose. Everything is nothing... Where has she gone?  I have to find her, I have to find myself before it’s too late... 

I faced myself at the mirror crying and pouring my heart out until I heard someone shouting at me from a distance. Her voice, that familiar voice, it is her. She is screaming at me to stop being weak, to stop my nonsense pursuit of a hopeless dream. Her voice becoming stronger and louder, giving me the reasons to see things clearly, to accept my stupid decisions and stop me from wasting my energy and focus on an unworthy thing. 

Enough of the tears she said. Enough of this nonsense and get back on your track. Focus on the things that are worth your time. She made it clear that my time is golden to be wasted on an unworthy pursuit. I should get back on my right path... 

Her voice becoming gentle, being affectionate on her tone but firm in expressing her message. 

She is back, I have found her again and I am glad.

SAM 

Question of Sanity

What keeps me sane?

Creative outputs, a puzzle that I can figure out, staring at nothing, being challenged by work, being aggressive, being passive, or probably both...

I am always told, I complicate things when things should be as simple as counting 1, 2, 3. Believe me, I always wish that I could see things as simple as it should be seen. But my mind works differently, it digests everything that it encounters. It's like a machine that keeps on thinking, one answered question then another question will pop, another idea to explore.

So again, the question of what keeps me sane?

Nothing i guess! Because my mentally incapacitated mind, tends to  revolve on the idea that it's insanity is all but normal. So an insane mind that thinks it's sane, do not need things to make it sane. Does that even sound logically possible??

Well, probably why this blog has a title "Screwed up Adult Mind" coz whatever will be written in this blog, may or may not be logical anyway....

SAM