Saturday, February 4, 2012


Just when I am ready to let go and surrendered my feelings for him to God Almighty, there he was making his entrance again into my heart. Making me confused.

I have decided to get married this year to my present partner. In my mind, I have made the decision to commit and bind myself to the person I am with now. But my heart tells me otherwise, it is deceived by his presence.

Am I being tested? Why should there still be tests? I cannot understand my emotions at this time, it's creating havoc in my psyche.  I don't know what to think or feel. I just feel paralyzed by this feeling.

I am again confused.


Sunday, January 29, 2012

Hearing Your Voice Again

It was a perfect afternoon.

My restless mind had been in slumber only to be awaken by a phone call. My heart palpitated when I saw the name of the person calling on the screen of my phone. I answered with a curious hello and there he was answering back.

His deep sweet voice lingered through my ears as his voice waltz it's way into my psyche, registering his name in my brain cells. It was him, he called me.

It has been a while. I missed his voice, his face, him. I missed him. No matter how I try to deny my feelings, and hide my emotions, it still shows. He brings a smile to my face everytime I hear his voice. I was glad he called, hmm, I was ecstatic. It was heaven hearing his voice.

But I know it was just a short while, he just needed to be reassured that I am still here in case he needed me. I maybe wallowing in self-pity thinking that he is just using me or he is just making his presence known because he needs something from me.

I hope I am wrong but I'd rather think it that way than think that there is more into this relationship than what we have now. He is with someone and I am with someone as well.  I don't want to get confused and yet I have this strong desire to be with him.

I don't know. So I guess I better think that it was just one of those calls that meant nothing. I am nothing to him, my presence doesn't give meaning to his life. It is better to think of it that way, than having a hopeful feeling that there is more into our relationship, that we can be more than friends.

I'd rather extinguish that hope now before it gets deeper. I must kill that feeling before it's too late.


Wednesday, January 18, 2012

One Night Changed It All

I was so contented from loving you from a far, admiring you from a distance. I was so contented. 

Now it breaks my heart everytime I think of you. It weakens my spirit and my thoughts is swallowed by regrets and despair. I keep asking myself if it was right to have said NO.

I know you will just use me for that one night but it was the moment I have long been waiting for, the moment to be with you, to feel your arms wrapped around my body, to feel your soft lips touching mine. My rational mind knows what is right and that moment was not the time, though my emotional mind kept insisting it was perfect, the moment being with you was perfect. And I let my rational mind win, because it was the right thing to do. I have let my heart wallow in despair and regret for letting that moment pass.

I have hated myself since it happened. I always ask myself if I did made the right choice. Was I right in saying NO? You have given me the possibility of being with you and you took it away so quickly. Everything changed, you have changed and I have changed eversince. Months passed and my confusion and pain has grown deeper. My rational mind has chosen yet my feelings evade me, it still longs for you. 

I know there is a reason for everything and I need a reason why we can’t be together, I need to understand why. Or probably I just need to let myself accept the truth that you will never want me and can never feel the same feelings I have for you. I need to accept it.. I need to accept and move on with my life. 


Sunday, October 2, 2011

Getting Her Back


For so many months, I have endured this pain, frustration, confusion, despair and pity. Powerful emotions that eat up your soul bit by bit until you just feel numbness. 
I wonder where myself had gone to after that night. I was not myself anymore. Hoping for fulfillment on a hopeless scenario. I was like a strayed kitten, lost in a jungle of tigers and lions. I made a fool of myself, wasted my energy and tears to a person who is so unworthy. I thought I needed him to make things right, to help me find my direction. I let myself be drowned by my desire for him that I lost all sense of reality. 
I want her back, I want my old self back. I can’t seem to find her for so many months now. I am in limbo, I feel so lost. Drowning myself in despair and confusion. Am I nut case?, I ask myself many, many times.  Everything seems unclear lately, no direction, no purpose. Everything is nothing... Where has she gone?  I have to find her, I have to find myself before it’s too late... 
I faced myself at the mirror crying and pouring my heart out until I heard someone shouting at me from a distance. Her voice, that familiar voice, it is her. She is screaming at me to stop being weak, to stop my nonsense pursuit of a hopeless dream. Her voice becoming stronger and louder, giving me the reasons to see things clearly, to accept my stupid decisions and stop me from wasting my energy and focus on an unworthy thing. 
Enough of the tears she said. Enough of this nonsense and get back on your track. Focus on the things that are worth your time. She made it clear that my time is golden to be wasted on an unworthy pursuit. I should get back on my right path... 
Her voice becoming gentle, being affectionate on her tone but firm in expressing her message. 
She is back, I have found her again and I am glad.


Saturday, September 24, 2011

Question of Sanity

What keeps me sane?

Creative outputs, a puzzle that I can figure out, staring at nothing, being challenged by work, being aggressive, being passive, or probably both...

I am always told, I complicate things when things should be as simple as counting 1, 2, 3. Believe me, I always wish that I could see things as simple as it should be seen. But my mind works differently, it digests everything that it encounters. It's like a machine that keeps on thinking, one answered question then another question will pop, another idea to explore.

So again, the question of what keeps me sane?

Nothing i guess! Because my mentally incapacitated mind, tends to  revolve on the idea that it's insanity is all but normal. So an insane mind that thinks it's sane, do not need things to make it sane. Does that even sound logically possible??

Well, probably why this blog has a title "Screwed up Adult Mind" coz whatever will be written in this blog, may or may not be logical anyway....