Wednesday, December 10, 2014

I am scared. 

I want to find a job but there is not even one phone call from the prospective employers I have submitted my resumes to. 

I am starting to doubt my abilities. I am starting to panic. Maybe because I have placed too much confidence in myself that I will find a job and those buried insecurities in my psyche is slowly creeping out. My fear of I don't know what is holding me back.  Is it my EGO, getting fired seemed to have taken a toll on me. I was not prepared. But hey who gets prepared when they get fired.

What the hell am I going to do with my life now? 

I know other people may be in a much darker place compared to my life.  But this is what I am feeling now.  I feel that this is a situation I don't know how to handle at the moment.

I wish I can just easily understand and fix whatever it is that I am feeling but I don't know how.... 

I don't know what do and I cannot seem to get myself to move forward.  What am I going to do now?


SAM 

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Taken Away

I got fired from my job.

When I was told I was being let go, I was not sure what to feel at that time.  I did not want to cry but I needed to burst into tears.  It was too painful. Maybe because I had given my time and energy to my work at the point that I can no longer handle it. 

I was so exhausted and did not take good care of myself. Hoping that people at work will understand.  But I was wrong, when you are no longer capable of doing the things you were previously good at, you will need to be let go.  That is business and my boss is a businessman.  I cannot blame him for the decision, it was all me.  I just hoped that he had talked to me, sat down with me and discussed what was happening with me.  He was my immediate superior and running a team for the first time was not easy. Half of the time I did not know what I was doing. 

I trusted colleagues and may be it was wrong move. I was the team leader, I should have known what to do, I should not have shown weakness. But I don't know what I was doing. I had no one to guide me or direct me.  I was learning at my own pace. 

I wanted to have someone who can guide me, I thought my boss was the one. I was wrong. I accepted the position and I learned a lot from it. But I still needed someone who will be able to direct me, to meet with me once in a while, inform me what was I doing wrong but I guess my boss just wanted someone to be there and know what they are doing. He doesn't need a staff who he still need to coach and supervise.  He need someone who can run at their own pace. Oh well, I guess it was not me then.

I was told I was being replaced because they wanted to have a team leader to be physically present at the office. I thought oh well, they may have someone who has more experience and may be the one who can really lead the team.  Then I found out that they hired a previous colleague who has less experience in the industry and leading a team. 

I was devastated.  I began second-guessing my abilities. 

It was the same time, I joined a group trying to learn new skills about arts.  I thought, maybe I will be good at this, maybe this is where I can thrive.  I had always been artistic, and creative, so I thought maybe this is something that I can be great at. 

Then came the commencement exercises and I did not get any award, most of the people in the class got some awards but I had nothing. I did not expect to be at the top honor rolls but I was hoping that I would be able to get a certificate at least for effort. I mean, it was my first time to do it and the project I submitted seems decent and I have poured out my time and energy into it. Then again, no praises. 

I am starting to feel sorry for myself. I feel I have no direction. I wanted to pursue that career in arts but now I question myself if I can even be really good at it. I feel so confused. I have no job, my finances is starting to deplete and I don't even excel in one thing I am passionate about. 

I don't know what to do now.  I always tell myself that I won't be swayed by other people's opinions.  I had a good job with a very good title.  Then it was gone. One thing I was passionate about, does not seem to like me at all. Maybe I am a loser, that is how society thinks about jobless, worthless and untalented people.  L.O.S.E.R.....

Aside from all these situation, my health seems to fail as well. The single ovary I have is sick and seemingly, it's preventing me from having a child. I can't even produce offsprings. Life totally sucks now. 

I know I have more blessings than my setbacks. I have a supportive partner, my parents health are well. I am still breathing. 

But I cannot shake off the insecurities, the self doubts. I just feel like I am in a dark place at the moment. I just want to cry but I can't even seem to pour my heart out. 

I don't know what to do. I don't know where to start... to start motivating myself.  I have no focus and I am unsure how to do it at this time. 

I hope I can see the light at the edge of this long dark tunnel. I pray I can find comfort in the most unexpected situations.  

I just want to get myself on track and hope I can do that soon. 

SAM

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Confused


Just when I am ready to let go and surrendered my feelings for him to God Almighty, there he was making his entrance again into my heart. Making me confused.

I have decided to get married this year to my present partner. In my mind, I have made the decision to commit and bind myself to the person I am with now. But my heart tells me otherwise, it is deceived by his presence.

Am I being tested? Why should there still be tests? I cannot understand my emotions at this time, it's creating havoc in my psyche.  I don't know what to think or feel. I just feel paralyzed by this feeling.

I am again confused.

SAM

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Hearing Your Voice Again

It was a perfect afternoon.

My restless mind had been in slumber only to be awaken by a phone call. My heart palpitated when I saw the name of the person calling on the screen of my phone. I answered with a curious hello and there he was answering back.

His deep sweet voice lingered through my ears as his voice waltz it's way into my psyche, registering his name in my brain cells. It was him, he called me.

It has been a while. I missed his voice, his face, him. I missed him. No matter how I try to deny my feelings, and hide my emotions, it still shows. He brings a smile to my face everytime I hear his voice. I was glad he called, hmm, I was ecstatic. It was heaven hearing his voice.

But I know it was just a short while, he just needed to be reassured that I am still here in case he needed me. I maybe wallowing in self-pity thinking that he is just using me or he is just making his presence known because he needs something from me.

I hope I am wrong but I'd rather think it that way than think that there is more into this relationship than what we have now. He is with someone and I am with someone as well.  I don't want to get confused and yet I have this strong desire to be with him.

I don't know. So I guess I better think that it was just one of those calls that meant nothing. I am nothing to him, my presence doesn't give meaning to his life. It is better to think of it that way, than having a hopeful feeling that there is more into our relationship, that we can be more than friends.

I'd rather extinguish that hope now before it gets deeper. I must kill that feeling before it's too late.

SAM

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

One Night Changed It All

I was so contented from loving you from a far, admiring you from a distance. I was so contented. 

Now it breaks my heart everytime I think of you. It weakens my spirit and my thoughts is swallowed by regrets and despair. I keep asking myself if it was right to have said NO.

I know you will just use me for that one night but it was the moment I have long been waiting for, the moment to be with you, to feel your arms wrapped around my body, to feel your soft lips touching mine. My rational mind knows what is right and that moment was not the time, though my emotional mind kept insisting it was perfect, the moment being with you was perfect. And I let my rational mind win, because it was the right thing to do. I have let my heart wallow in despair and regret for letting that moment pass.

I have hated myself since it happened. I always ask myself if I did made the right choice. Was I right in saying NO? You have given me the possibility of being with you and you took it away so quickly. Everything changed, you have changed and I have changed eversince. Months passed and my confusion and pain has grown deeper. My rational mind has chosen yet my feelings evade me, it still longs for you. 

I know there is a reason for everything and I need a reason why we can’t be together, I need to understand why. Or probably I just need to let myself accept the truth that you will never want me and can never feel the same feelings I have for you. I need to accept it.. I need to accept and move on with my life. 

SAM

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Getting Her Back


Confused... 

For so many months, I have endured this pain, frustration, confusion, despair and pity. Powerful emotions that eat up your soul bit by bit until you just feel numbness. 
I wonder where myself had gone to after that night. I was not myself anymore. Hoping for fulfillment on a hopeless scenario. I was like a strayed kitten, lost in a jungle of tigers and lions. I made a fool of myself, wasted my energy and tears to a person who is so unworthy. I thought I needed him to make things right, to help me find my direction. I let myself be drowned by my desire for him that I lost all sense of reality. 
I want her back, I want my old self back. I can’t seem to find her for so many months now. I am in limbo, I feel so lost. Drowning myself in despair and confusion. Am I nut case?, I ask myself many, many times.  Everything seems unclear lately, no direction, no purpose. Everything is nothing... Where has she gone?  I have to find her, I have to find myself before it’s too late... 
I faced myself at the mirror crying and pouring my heart out until I heard someone shouting at me from a distance. Her voice, that familiar voice, it is her. She is screaming at me to stop being weak, to stop my nonsense pursuit of a hopeless dream. Her voice becoming stronger and louder, giving me the reasons to see things clearly, to accept my stupid decisions and stop me from wasting my energy and focus on an unworthy thing. 
Enough of the tears she said. Enough of this nonsense and get back on your track. Focus on the things that are worth your time. She made it clear that my time is golden to be wasted on an unworthy pursuit. I should get back on my right path... 
Her voice becoming gentle, being affectionate on her tone but firm in expressing her message. 
She is back, I have found her again and I am glad.

SAM 

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Question of Sanity

What keeps me sane?

Creative outputs, a puzzle that I can figure out, staring at nothing, being challenged by work, being aggressive, being passive, or probably both...

I am always told, I complicate things when things should be as simple as counting 1, 2, 3. Believe me, I always wish that I could see things as simple as it should be seen. But my mind works differently, it digests everything that it encounters. It's like a machine that keeps on thinking, one answered question then another question will pop, another idea to explore.

So again, the question of what keeps me sane?

Nothing i guess! Because my mentally incapacitated mind, tends to  revolve on the idea that it's insanity is all but normal. So an insane mind that thinks it's sane, do not need things to make it sane. Does that even sound logically possible??

Well, probably why this blog has a title "Screwed up Adult Mind" coz whatever will be written in this blog, may or may not be logical anyway....

SAM