Monday, August 1, 2016

My Third Home - New Country, Is It?

New country.  New environment.  New people to live with and share your life.

Was it worth it?  Leaving my comfort zone to an unknown territory.  I have always been adventurous and I always thought of myself as an explorer.  I like being in new places, learning culture, meeting new people and finding out what makes them tick, getting to know their motivation.

How long ago when I first left my country?  5 and half years ago.  And now a year in the second country.

My life is like a roller coaster of experiences, so much ups and downs.  Sometimes I want to be high and forget about the world, to be numb so I would not have to care.

I am in a new country but I keep committing the same mistakes in relationships.  Why can't I get it right?  What is wrong with me?  Why can't I be normal like the rest of the world?

So hard being bipolar and people cannot understand why you react in a certain way.

I do care what people say about me even I keep telling others that I don't care.  What others think of me, affects me.  It eats up my soul to the point that I get suffocated in my own thoughts and paranoia.

I cannot help feeling sorry about myself.  Wish it was easy like counting 1 - 5 with your eyes closed and when you open them things will get better.  The world will be happy, I will be happy.

I know I can survive this country, I can surpass the challenges, the negative experiences.   But until when will I be patient with myself?

I really don't know.  Just need to live one day at time until I get better.

SAM


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