Broken pieces of my Soul

How did I let this happen to myself again?  Getting my emotions involved with the wrong person.

I was so contented with my loneliness and not longed for someone to be with me.  I was alone, lonely but contented.

Then he came along, made me feel important and made me realize how important it is to have someone beside you, someone who cares for you and someone who makes you feel valued.

All of sudden situation changed and everything fell apart. He does not want me, he likes someone else.  I have set the rules of the game of not having any expectations.  Then I lost when I started to expect more, to want more of him.  I lost the game of love.

So here I am picking up the broken pieces of my soul. Hurt. Untrusting. Doubtful.  Issues that I have experienced and resolved yet experienced again and again and again.

Different relationships that always ended in failure and misery. Each failed relationship I loose a bit of my soul.

Will I ever find true love?  One that I will last for until my last dying breath.

SAM

My Third Home - New Country, Is It?

New country.  New environment.  New people to live with and share your life.

Was it worth it?  Leaving my comfort zone to an unknown territory.  I have always been adventurous and I always thought of myself as an explorer.  I like being in new places, learning culture, meeting new people and finding out what makes them tick, getting to know their motivation.

How long ago when I first left my country?  5 and half years ago.  And now a year in the second country.

My life is like a roller coaster of experiences, so much ups and downs.  Sometimes I want to be high and forget about the world, to be numb so I would not have to care.

I am in a new country but I keep committing the same mistakes in relationships.  Why can't I get it right?  What is wrong with me?  Why can't I be normal like the rest of the world?

So hard being bipolar and people cannot understand why you react in a certain way.

I do care what people say about me even I keep telling others that I don't care.  What others think of me, affects me.  It eats up my soul to the point that I get suffocated in my own thoughts and paranoia.

I cannot help feeling sorry about myself.  Wish it was easy like counting 1 - 5 with your eyes closed and when you open them things will get better.  The world will be happy, I will be happy.

I know I can survive this country, I can surpass the challenges, the negative experiences.   But until when will I be patient with myself?

I really don't know.  Just need to live one day at time until I get better.

SAM