I got fired from my job.
When I was told I was being let go, I was not sure what to feel at that time. I did not want to cry but I needed to burst into tears. It was too painful. Maybe because I had given my time and energy to my work at the point that I can no longer handle it.
I was so exhausted and did not take good care of myself. Hoping that people at work will understand. But I was wrong, when you are no longer capable of doing the things you were previously good at, you will need to be let go. That is business and my boss is a businessman. I cannot blame him for the decision, it was all me. I just hoped that he had talked to me, sat down with me and discussed what was happening with me. He was my immediate superior and running a team for the first time was not easy. Half of the time I did not know what I was doing.
I trusted colleagues and may be it was wrong move. I was the team leader, I should have known what to do, I should not have shown weakness. But I don't know what I was doing. I had no one to guide me or direct me. I was learning at my own pace.
I wanted to have someone who can guide me, I thought my boss was the one. I was wrong. I accepted the position and I learned a lot from it. But I still needed someone who will be able to direct me, to meet with me once in a while, inform me what was I doing wrong but I guess my boss just wanted someone to be there and know what they are doing. He doesn't need a staff who he still need to coach and supervise. He need someone who can run at their own pace. Oh well, I guess it was not me then.
I was told I was being replaced because they wanted to have a team leader to be physically present at the office. I thought oh well, they may have someone who has more experience and may be the one who can really lead the team. Then I found out that they hired a previous colleague who has less experience in the industry and leading a team.
I was devastated. I began second-guessing my abilities.
It was the same time, I joined a group trying to learn new skills about arts. I thought, maybe I will be good at this, maybe this is where I can thrive. I had always been artistic, and creative, so I thought maybe this is something that I can be great at.
Then came the commencement exercises and I did not get any award, most of the people in the class got some awards but I had nothing. I did not expect to be at the top honor rolls but I was hoping that I would be able to get a certificate at least for effort. I mean, it was my first time to do it and the project I submitted seems decent and I have poured out my time and energy into it. Then again, no praises.
I am starting to feel sorry for myself. I feel I have no direction. I wanted to pursue that career in arts but now I question myself if I can even be really good at it. I feel so confused. I have no job, my finances is starting to deplete and I don't even excel in one thing I am passionate about.
I don't know what to do now. I always tell myself that I won't be swayed by other people's opinions. I had a good job with a very good title. Then it was gone. One thing I was passionate about, does not seem to like me at all. Maybe I am a loser, that is how society thinks about jobless, worthless and untalented people. L.O.S.E.R.....
Aside from all these situation, my health seems to fail as well. The single ovary I have is sick and seemingly, it's preventing me from having a child. I can't even produce offsprings. Life totally sucks now.
I know I have more blessings than my setbacks. I have a supportive partner, my parents health are well. I am still breathing.
But I cannot shake off the insecurities, the self doubts. I just feel like I am in a dark place at the moment. I just want to cry but I can't even seem to pour my heart out.
I don't know what to do. I don't know where to start... to start motivating myself. I have no focus and I am unsure how to do it at this time.
I hope I can see the light at the edge of this long dark tunnel. I pray I can find comfort in the most unexpected situations.
I just want to get myself on track and hope I can do that soon.
SAM
When I was told I was being let go, I was not sure what to feel at that time. I did not want to cry but I needed to burst into tears. It was too painful. Maybe because I had given my time and energy to my work at the point that I can no longer handle it.
I was so exhausted and did not take good care of myself. Hoping that people at work will understand. But I was wrong, when you are no longer capable of doing the things you were previously good at, you will need to be let go. That is business and my boss is a businessman. I cannot blame him for the decision, it was all me. I just hoped that he had talked to me, sat down with me and discussed what was happening with me. He was my immediate superior and running a team for the first time was not easy. Half of the time I did not know what I was doing.
I trusted colleagues and may be it was wrong move. I was the team leader, I should have known what to do, I should not have shown weakness. But I don't know what I was doing. I had no one to guide me or direct me. I was learning at my own pace.
I wanted to have someone who can guide me, I thought my boss was the one. I was wrong. I accepted the position and I learned a lot from it. But I still needed someone who will be able to direct me, to meet with me once in a while, inform me what was I doing wrong but I guess my boss just wanted someone to be there and know what they are doing. He doesn't need a staff who he still need to coach and supervise. He need someone who can run at their own pace. Oh well, I guess it was not me then.
I was told I was being replaced because they wanted to have a team leader to be physically present at the office. I thought oh well, they may have someone who has more experience and may be the one who can really lead the team. Then I found out that they hired a previous colleague who has less experience in the industry and leading a team.
I was devastated. I began second-guessing my abilities.
It was the same time, I joined a group trying to learn new skills about arts. I thought, maybe I will be good at this, maybe this is where I can thrive. I had always been artistic, and creative, so I thought maybe this is something that I can be great at.
Then came the commencement exercises and I did not get any award, most of the people in the class got some awards but I had nothing. I did not expect to be at the top honor rolls but I was hoping that I would be able to get a certificate at least for effort. I mean, it was my first time to do it and the project I submitted seems decent and I have poured out my time and energy into it. Then again, no praises.
I am starting to feel sorry for myself. I feel I have no direction. I wanted to pursue that career in arts but now I question myself if I can even be really good at it. I feel so confused. I have no job, my finances is starting to deplete and I don't even excel in one thing I am passionate about.
I don't know what to do now. I always tell myself that I won't be swayed by other people's opinions. I had a good job with a very good title. Then it was gone. One thing I was passionate about, does not seem to like me at all. Maybe I am a loser, that is how society thinks about jobless, worthless and untalented people. L.O.S.E.R.....
Aside from all these situation, my health seems to fail as well. The single ovary I have is sick and seemingly, it's preventing me from having a child. I can't even produce offsprings. Life totally sucks now.
I know I have more blessings than my setbacks. I have a supportive partner, my parents health are well. I am still breathing.
But I cannot shake off the insecurities, the self doubts. I just feel like I am in a dark place at the moment. I just want to cry but I can't even seem to pour my heart out.
I don't know what to do. I don't know where to start... to start motivating myself. I have no focus and I am unsure how to do it at this time.
I hope I can see the light at the edge of this long dark tunnel. I pray I can find comfort in the most unexpected situations.
I just want to get myself on track and hope I can do that soon.
SAM
No comments:
Post a Comment